Cleanse
TL;DR: I am deleting social media from my phone. Let me know if you want to stay in touch another way.
It is 4:30 am and my fingers twist on my chest, my stomach is tight, and my shoulders are wound up like children’s toys as I think of all the ways everyone I know secretly hates me.
I’ve had a slight misunderstanding with a friend on the internet again. I don’t know how to fix it or make it better. I waffle between reaching out, leaving them alone, responding, or saying nothing. I wish I could be okay with this. With the idea of being misunderstood, or even disliked. I have an impression that I could handle it, once. Or maybe I could handle it from other people. People with whom I have more secure friendships. But in figuring out a dynamic with a new person, I feel like I can’t be anything less than perfect in every interaction.
As a social media professional, I know that everyone uses social media differently and has different feelings about it (yes, there are some universal truths- but there’s a lot more nuance in it than many want to believe). I’ve even had multiple personalities online and gone through many changes very publicly. As I become more serious about recovery within my severe mental illnesses though, I find the vulnerability of public life very different. I also don’t have the energy that I used to. I was posting several times a week to promote my business while taking classes, working five jobs, and having a social life. The truth is, I no longer have the energy to do almost any of those things individually, let alone all of them, in a single day.
When I realized that a single interaction had cost me at least four hours of my life and energy, I thought “this cannot continue”. I am re-learning so much, and I think now is the right time to re-think my experience of social media. I need to do what I teach my clients: have a conscious relationship with it. Set timers. Set boundaries. Set goals.
What do I want out of social media? Connection with others? I can get that elsewhere, with much less FOMO and second-guessing. Business opportunities? I am sure not finding them scrolling Twitter at 5 am, and I don’t have room in my life for more work or clients anyway. Creative inspiration? How many times have I seen something on Instagram that has inspired me vs. things that make me feel bad about myself? Exposure to new ideas, particularly in the realm of mental health? I can search a profile or hashtag instead of waiting for it to appear on my FYP. News? I have cable at home, and there are news apps too.
Am I deleting my profiles? Not at all. I am simply deleting all of the social media apps from my phone. I will go back to my post schedulers and try to use the *shudder* desktop versions.
While I re-negotiate this relationship, I am going to ask myself a few questions:
What do I feel I am missing and is that true?
How has my relationship with time changed?
What do I want to get from my online presence?
How can I best present myself on my personal and professional accounts, and how can I best serve my clients?
I’ve never taken a social media break since I got a Facebook account in Grade Ten… twelve years ago.
There’s no time limit, this will last as long as I want it to, a week or two to forever. It’s all in the air.
In the meantime, I am still incredibly reachable, and I hope to get back to writing a little more long-format like this.
Let’s connect soon!
