Another year has gone! Whaaaat?
Yesterday I started to write a post about how unhappy I was. I decided to delete it and write this instead.
Why look for answers
When none occur?"
Company, Music and Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim
The reasons I wanted to do a show about Stephen Sondheim boil down to this: his lyrics speak to me. His melodies do too, and in combination with the content of his shows, but sometimes just hearing what he has written makes me understand something that any more or other words would never be able to describe.
Yesterday, I was tired. That's what producing a show that you're starring in. rehearsing for another show in your second language, catsitting, being a social media manager, working at a restaurant, not sleeping, and not eating can do to you. As it tends to, my exhaustion came out in tears and half baked ideas that, to me, make me look like less than the person I am.
Part One: Sorry-Grateful
"I don't want you to do things for me any more" I said to my mom, well into my breakdown at her house where I had arrived from rehearsal to prepare for a performance in forty five minutes. "I want to be a real adult!"
"You are a real adult," she said "you just need someone to help you"
I am not good at asking for help, and oftentimes, I don't allow myself to even acknowledge that I need it. Sometimes the good friends/colleagues/family in my life force it on me, but I almost never ask. And in return, I probably don't tell them enough when they save me in those big and small ways.
I'm sorry I don't express how grateful I am to those people enough.
Part Two: Regretful-Happy
The performance I mentioned yesterday should have gone differently from my end. But you see, having just had my little breakdown of being just too tired to do anything any more, I had to do something and I chose to put on a face. To tune out whatever I was feeling and go ahead with my life. It was in the interest of time- I had about thirty minutes at that point before I had to go out in public. So I put on that face and went out the door.
If you've been fortunate enough to never have to put on a face to hide what you're really experiencing, let me tell you: It is very tiring. I spent most of my energy on hiding my emotions and the result of that was I didn't get to live in the moment as a performer or an audience member. The excellent readings of plays I got to hear totally captivated me and left me a few moments of reprieve- I got to feel someone else's feelings instead of my own (because that's how I identify with characters, through empathy, I guess).
Then a series of wonderful things happened: I had a song improvised about me. I performed with my dear friends. I got to watch and participate in karaoke.
And I didn't really feel anything and I don't remember it as well as I would have if I had been able to take off the face.
I regret not living in those moments, but I am incredibly happy that they happened.
Even though my experience of the night was altered by my emotions at the time, I spent today trying to recall things about it that I can use in the future as inspiration to live in those moments. I also thought about what I could do differently in my life to make sure I don't have to do this again, and I actually ended up learning something about myself.
Firstly, I'm really happy that people only had nice things to say about me when they were asked for information to fuel the song that was improvised about me, even though they knew I was out of the room and couldn't hear them. It's nice to know that I'm on people's radars at all, besides my moms'. (And it's nice to know that my name is not only met with endearing insults a la Charlie Peters)
Secondly, I'm happy that I got to try some of my material in front of a larger but very supportive group of people (I did a test run of the show in front of five people on Saturday night). It's going to help to focus and reassure me that I am capable of helping my audience through a two hour show.
Thirdly, I'm very happy that I got to see my friends. Because I used to not have friends, or rather, someone in my life was telling me not to have friends. But last night, despite how much I was agonizing over what people must be thinking about me (which I do a lot, even though I ultimately end up not caring, I just hate not knowing if someone likes or doesn't like me) it was still really great to see them.
What I discovered in my reflections is that in most of my friendships, I always initiate every interaction. And I realized that probably contributes to my exhaustion. People rarely talk to me if I don't talk to them first, even if they might have something to say. And I don't like that. I realized just a few days ago that the reason my career has been going so well is probably because I am not focusing my energy on keeping a romantic relationship alive by myself, which I believe is what happened the last time I was in a relationship. So I've decided to take that into account in my friendships too. I needn't keep them alive on my own because ultimately I will be better off for it.
Part Three: Why Look For Answers When None Occur?
Another thing I am frequently faced to confront is: why am I sad?
I think I've figured that out in this case, but I want to try, someday, being okay with not knowing the source of every little thing in my life. Why am I afraid of that? Why does that make me angry? Why does that make me cry?
Sometimes, things just do or it just does. And maybe the next day, it will be different. I want to get less frustrated with myself when I don't understand something. I want to be able to say "That happened" or "This is happening" and just give whatever that is some space instead of demanding my over-tired, under-fed self to figure it all out right then.
But you know what sums up this entire blog post?
Why look for answers
When none occur?"
Thank you for reading.
For the months of January and February, I am throwing myself into my artistic life and passions. As such, I have very little time left to work at my Joe Jobs and I am making barely enough money to get by! So here are five things I'm trying to do to save money, fulfill myself artistically, and enjoy the benefits from having more free time.
1. Practice something every day
Because I am in rehearsals for my cabaret, a lot of my practicing is singing. Sometimes I'll work on other things like social media, or learning a new skill, but for the most part it's running through my songs, figuring out the specifics of my movements, and doing diction/articulation exercises.
2. Buy only fruits and vegetables
Not only is it much cheaper for me to only be buying fruits and vegetables, it encourages a healthier lifestyle! Let me clarify, though, I am not only eating fruits and vegetables. My goal is to empty my freezer and my cupboards before I go out and buy anything more! It's an interesting challenge- and don't worry, I have lots of frozen meats and such. I am also buying bread, milk, and eggs when I run out of them, but I'm trying not to! I've already run out of pasta, but I have meatballs that I will eventually prepare with something else! Living life recklessly!
I did have a bit of misfortune today when I added some protein powder to my smoothie and the powder turned out to be bad. I don't know if those things expire, but oh man did it taste just awful. I was very sad to have to pour all of that good fruit down the drain (and believe me, I tried. I added more fruit and more milk, trying to drown out the rancid powder taste. I choked down half a glass of it, but once I gagged on it I decided enough was enough and that smoothie was beyond saving. I have another protein powder to try- but I'll be trying it in a smaller portion I think!)
3. Get more sleep
Since my beloved Crouton (who I put in the thumbnail of this post because he is the cutest) went to another home on Monday (which I am still sad about and will continue to be sad about for many moons) I've been trying to get better and more sleep. Crouton, cute as he is, used to wake me up 2-5 times in a night because I wasn't around to play with him as much as he needed, so he would have a little nap and then be bursting with energy. Since he's been gone, I've been able to get 7-8 hours straight through, no problems! I'm hoping that next week I'll be back to going to bed at a usual time so that I can wake up earlier and get more accomplished in my days!
4. Spend more time doing things I enjoy
I swear puzzles are not the only thing I do in my spare time! I do love to do them though, and you can check out my Instagram to see them all. I am also trying to make time to read, write, watch tv, blog (here and on tumblr), see my friends, and see shows! Even though I only work for three to four hours a night, my week fills up very quickly! (And when I say work, that's my time spent physically not in my house doing something else- I do "work" rather a lot more than that and my life is far from leisurely)
5. Go to the gym five days a week
I haven't been able to meet this goal yet, but I'm still striving for it. It basically comes down to the fact that I've had to choose between meeting my sleep goal or meeting my gym goal. I do sometimes work out at home. I also make sure I do something every day, like kettle bell swings, a plank, squats, stretches, or anything else that I'm inspired to do. I like working out. It's the getting dressed for the gym, going, and coming back that I like less. I'm thinking of getting some workout DVDs- but it will have to wait until I am making money again!
Gif Source: Giphy for Google Chrome