Happy International Women's Day! I love today. Today I feel no shame whatsoever in celebrating my feminism and my feminist heroes. Some days I have so much guilt, shame, and fear associated with being a feminist, but today, I refused to feel those feelings and instead I've been celebrating the wonderful women I've been fortunate enough to interact with today and every day!
I've been trying to write a blog post for a while, but the thing is I have had very little time to do so. I also have so many thoughts to share that I can't seem to figure out which ones matter or which ones I can fully flesh out. I start writing one thing, and it turns into something else. So I've decided to write briefly about what's up and keep things short!
Since I hit enter on the keyboard to start writing this paragraph from the previous one, I have received five messages on my cell phone. Yes they are all from people that I want to talk to, but I am starting to feel overwhelmed in giving my friends the attention that I haven't been able to give in the past weeks because of the show I was working on. There seems to be a distressing trend in my community that we all work so many jobs it's impossible for us to find meaningful time to spend together- and it's also impossible to take any time to relax. So for the next little while, while I juggle getting back to Joe Job work for a month and letting go of Les Belles Soeurs (which I worked very hard on and closed just two days ago), I will make a conscious effort to take time to just be with myself and relax a bit. I've had to give up a lot of sleep to do this lately- I'm hoping that that will change.
Working on Les Belles Soeurs was hard in ways I had not yet experienced in theatre. I'm still processing a lot of what happened- but I'm leaning towards never Stage Managing again. It takes a really particular person, and I do not think that I am that.
I'm trying to be the kind of artist that I want to be, but I think it is coming at the expense of human Lauren, and that I might have to take some of the pressure off of myself for a while.
I'm maintaining my fitness and diet for the moment, but I am certainly not making any gains. High stress and lack of sleep make healthy eating choices and productive workouts really difficult.
I haven't had the chance to read since I got back from Edmonton in February. I really miss having baths and enjoying a good book- I just literally have not had the time! Plus, I haven't been able to get my hands on the next Game of Thrones yet! I also haven't been able to visit my parents in a really long time, and that doesn't feel good at all.
In the photo that is the image for this blog, I am wearing a necklace that says "Be Brave". It was an opening night gift from a wonderful woman and I wear it when I feel the most in need of encouragement. I describe myself as fearless, but it takes effort and bravery for me to be that way and some days I just can't do it alone.
In the past month, I have been triggered (please google that term if you do not know what it means) several times. I am so glad to have the support that I have to help me get through those times, but I unfortunately frequently forget that I have access to those people. I am working on getting better at asking for help and telling people what is going on with me.
I have suddenly and unexpectedly started writing poetry in English and French. I'm excited. It's a totally new experience but I have felt such incredible inspiration for the past little while. I am excited to see how long I can maintain it.
Being a theatre artist is hard. It's hard because even though I am always a theatre artist, I'm not always doing theatre. Most of us aren't. I'm also trying (and mostly failing) to have a life outside of work. I've never really worried much about money, because I'm privileged enough to have it and be able to work for it. At the moment though, I seem to do nothing but give my time to others and the return I'm getting out of it isn't worth my output. I don't mean to complain, because I know that I lead a life that is far better than most. I just strongly dislike being so tired I can't give anything my all, and not making any money even when I'm sacrificing a lot to other people. The things that are important to me feel far away at the moment. But I am genuinely happy and am practicing my gratitude every day.
I am also trying to drink more water. I am going to have a big glass of it right now and take a little minute to myself. I look forward to my future, because I know that I am capable of creating exactly what I want in it. I hope that you are all well and that this post, if you made it to the end, didn't waste too much of your time!