I had a really fantastic day yesterday, and I thought that I should document it! I've really been recognizing in myself lately that while I associate myself with being critical and analytical, and at times cold, I often forget to recognize all of the parts of me that are warm and full of love and joy! I want to highlight that part of myself more to recognize that we all are complex people who feel a huge variety of things on any given day!
Happy International Women's Day! I love today. Today I feel no shame whatsoever in celebrating my feminism and my feminist heroes. Some days I have so much guilt, shame, and fear associated with being a feminist, but today, I refused to feel those feelings and instead I've been celebrating the wonderful women I've been fortunate enough to interact with today and every day!
I've been trying to write a blog post for a while, but the thing is I have had very little time to do so. I also have so many thoughts to share that I can't seem to figure out which ones matter or which ones I can fully flesh out. I start writing one thing, and it turns into something else. So I've decided to write briefly about what's up and keep things short!
Since I hit enter on the keyboard to start writing this paragraph from the previous one, I have received five messages on my cell phone. Yes they are all from people that I want to talk to, but I am starting to feel overwhelmed in giving my friends the attention that I haven't been able to give in the past weeks because of the show I was working on. There seems to be a distressing trend in my community that we all work so many jobs it's impossible for us to find meaningful time to spend together- and it's also impossible to take any time to relax. So for the next little while, while I juggle getting back to Joe Job work for a month and letting go of Les Belles Soeurs (which I worked very hard on and closed just two days ago), I will make a conscious effort to take time to just be with myself and relax a bit. I've had to give up a lot of sleep to do this lately- I'm hoping that that will change.
Working on Les Belles Soeurs was hard in ways I had not yet experienced in theatre. I'm still processing a lot of what happened- but I'm leaning towards never Stage Managing again. It takes a really particular person, and I do not think that I am that.
I'm trying to be the kind of artist that I want to be, but I think it is coming at the expense of human Lauren, and that I might have to take some of the pressure off of myself for a while.
I'm maintaining my fitness and diet for the moment, but I am certainly not making any gains. High stress and lack of sleep make healthy eating choices and productive workouts really difficult.
I haven't had the chance to read since I got back from Edmonton in February. I really miss having baths and enjoying a good book- I just literally have not had the time! Plus, I haven't been able to get my hands on the next Game of Thrones yet! I also haven't been able to visit my parents in a really long time, and that doesn't feel good at all.
In the photo that is the image for this blog, I am wearing a necklace that says "Be Brave". It was an opening night gift from a wonderful woman and I wear it when I feel the most in need of encouragement. I describe myself as fearless, but it takes effort and bravery for me to be that way and some days I just can't do it alone.
In the past month, I have been triggered (please google that term if you do not know what it means) several times. I am so glad to have the support that I have to help me get through those times, but I unfortunately frequently forget that I have access to those people. I am working on getting better at asking for help and telling people what is going on with me.
I have suddenly and unexpectedly started writing poetry in English and French. I'm excited. It's a totally new experience but I have felt such incredible inspiration for the past little while. I am excited to see how long I can maintain it.
Being a theatre artist is hard. It's hard because even though I am always a theatre artist, I'm not always doing theatre. Most of us aren't. I'm also trying (and mostly failing) to have a life outside of work. I've never really worried much about money, because I'm privileged enough to have it and be able to work for it. At the moment though, I seem to do nothing but give my time to others and the return I'm getting out of it isn't worth my output. I don't mean to complain, because I know that I lead a life that is far better than most. I just strongly dislike being so tired I can't give anything my all, and not making any money even when I'm sacrificing a lot to other people. The things that are important to me feel far away at the moment. But I am genuinely happy and am practicing my gratitude every day.
I am also trying to drink more water. I am going to have a big glass of it right now and take a little minute to myself. I look forward to my future, because I know that I am capable of creating exactly what I want in it. I hope that you are all well and that this post, if you made it to the end, didn't waste too much of your time!
After a rough (read: full of crying) few days, I decided to do some things to make me feel better.
1. Make a Smoothie
I'm trying to avoid dairy in the lead up to my show (because I'm singing all the time and I find that dairy makes me phlegmy) but I had just the perfect amount of milk left to make a fruit smoothie! I used low fat vanilla frozen yogurt for the thickness, plus a handful and a bit of raspberries and a long pour of blueberries. Do you like my measuring system. Either way- it was delicious.
2. Read for Fun
It's not often that I get to read just for my own pleasure. But now I'm two chapters further into Game of Thrones! A series that I love and enjoy, which captivates me even after months of neglecting the story.
3. Have a Bath
It feels so good to sink my tired body into scathing hot water. And the bath bombs make me feel all soft and smooth after too! Plus, pink water is just more interesting to photograph.
4. Celebrate My Appearance
Lately I've been really focused on "does it look like I've been crying?" And "I haven't been to the gym in a week. Am I losing my muscle?" So I wanted to take a second to look at myself and smile. I love having long hair and really white teeth and big blue eyes and nicely shaped eyebrows and big lips! Look at me! I'm gorgeous!
Doing these and other healing things are no guarantee to cure what ails me but boy has it helped me just for right now. And there's a light at the end of this tunnel. Your support until I get there is really appreciated. 😘💜💪🏻